What's the point?

I'm really confused, I don't know why I'm writing here, nobody has ever or will ever read it and say anthing about it. Maybe that's a good thing, I mean with my luck it would probably be some jerk who just starts saying bad stuff about me. But seriously life is freakin' stupid, one day will be awesome and you will be super happy you were born, other days you will be pissed your folks even had you in the first place and want to jump off a bridge. So I look at it this way, I believe in heaven, however I believe that heaven is not a place where your soul goes off to, I think it is a place that your brain creates so that it seems like you are in the greatest place of all. The whole thing about you have to be good to go to heaven isn't necessarily true, you could be a really bad person, think you are doing good and when you die your brain will create a place with all the things you love. I don't want to die, but I don't really care if I live either. I went to a college today, had them talk about how you have to have done this many things to even be thought of for attendence, I couldn't help but thinking about that saying "If you want something bad enough, you'll get it" That's total BS. I badly want to go to college, I badly want a girlfriend, I badly want to have a good life. Well that's how I know it's bullshit, every college I even think is remotely a good fit for me either turns out to be some goddamned stoner haven or to pompous to accept a writer. Every girl I've ever liked always ends up being out of reach for years. and every single time something starts going well for me, it turns around, kicks me in the balls, then carves a giant gash in my back before pouring salt and lemon juice into it. I just don't see a point, if I die young I'm a sop story, if I live my life will most likely suck, and if I commit suicide I'm the most selfish person in the world. What should I do?

Stuff I want to do

You know, it's impossible to know exactly what you want to do in life. People go thier entire lives with no idea of their true purpose. Just recently I realized that one of the things I want to do is to build a raft, big enough for me and a few other things, and just push it out into the middle of a lake and go fishing. It may not seem like that exciting of a dream but hey, it is WAY more possible than becoming a celebrity. Another thing I think would be cool is if a bunch of my friends just got together and we had an enormous swordfight. That one seems odd and is unlikely but with enough heart behind it anything is possible. One thing I never understood about people is how they are afraid of pain, ask anybody if they would rather be impaled but survive or instantly die. Almost everybody would say die, it's ridiculous how much fear is behind something that won't kill you. Another thing I'd want to try is putting on a mask and just beating the crap out of criminals, THAT would be fun, only trouble is the law frowns on that kind of stuff but hey, what are they gonna do? I guess I'm trying to say that there is a whole world of different things out there for people to try and they only ever look at the superficial mainstream stuff.